I have been very anxious the past few days, my heart beating faster than ever, not being able to concentrate or sleep, feeling like crying one moment and overly excited about something small the next. Why? Because on Wednesday I got an e-mail: "Can you please send me your phone number, I need to talk to you." Nooooooooooo!!!
I have a severe case of phone phobia, the fear of having to talk on the phone. Phone phobia is very underrated, and yet I know several people who don't like to talk on the phone. But what is it exactly? Phone phobia is often associated with social phobia or social anxiety, something I think more autistic people suffer from. It is also associated with the fear of speaking in public, which is actually something I have no problem with, because monologuing is one of my favourite things to do, and if there's a public to listen to my monologue, even better.
What are the things that a phone phobic (autistic) person fears?
What are common symptoms or reactions for people with phone phobia?
So when I got the e-mail, I waited with my reply until late in the evening so this person wouldn't call me that same day. But then of course, I was anxious all next day, switching off my phone when I was at work (even though I said not to call those hours). And he didn't call. Another sleepless night. Next day, he calls when I am in the kitchen and I don't hear my phone. I see the missed call about 15 minutes later, but of course I don't call back. Two hours later I send a message, asking if he can call back after 6 p.m., so I can be prepared. 6 p.m. goes by, 7 p.m. too, and just when I'm starting to relax a bit, opening my window, helping my roommate with a computer thing: Boom. My phone rings. I gather all my courage and answer the phone.
The reason this phone call made me extremely anxious is that I don't know this person very well, and he is quite assertive, and that makes me scared of not knowing what to say or agreeing to something I don't agree with. But I definitely have phone phobia, and not just phone apprehension. When I talk with my mother on the phone, we always agree to call by message first. I think my mother is the only person I'm not really afraid to call, maybe because she has phone apprehension herself and both of us are not really comfortable calling. My father doesn't have this problem, so when he calls I often don't take the phone, because I'm not prepared. I usually send him an e-mail later saying I wasn't home but I saw he called, and proposing another time to call or just writing everything I have to tell. I also never call him back, because 'what if his girlfriend picks up?'. Then I would have to talk to her and I don't feel comfortable to do so.
My boyfriend and me had a long distance relationship for the first year. We talked on the phone every evening. But we would always send messages first. In the beginning it was horrible for me. I didn't know what to say. Some days I would just be in silence the whole time. I didn't know how to say goodbye. But I learned a lot that year. Now we are closer but he still calls me every evening we are not together. I've learned how to end the conversation, and how to keep it going. But when he calls at a different moment of the day I have to take a few breaths before answering.
"The only way to get rid of phone phobia is exposure." Sounds simple. I thought I worked on it last year, when I was trying to find a flat and had to call a lot of housing agencies. But when you don't keep working on it, it just comes back. If I really do have to make a call, I will prepare everything I have to say and ask and write it down. Often even writing down the begin and end formula. And I will make sure that I'm in my room, windows closed, no distractions, and taking one of my homeopathic (valerian) pills (usually one a while before making the call, and one after). Preparing for a phone call can take hours or days.
I am glad I don't have anymore calls planned in the near future, so I can relax a bit over the next days. I won't leave you my number, but please tell me about your phone problems in the comments.
I have a severe case of phone phobia, the fear of having to talk on the phone. Phone phobia is very underrated, and yet I know several people who don't like to talk on the phone. But what is it exactly? Phone phobia is often associated with social phobia or social anxiety, something I think more autistic people suffer from. It is also associated with the fear of speaking in public, which is actually something I have no problem with, because monologuing is one of my favourite things to do, and if there's a public to listen to my monologue, even better.
What are the things that a phone phobic (autistic) person fears?
- The noise of the phone ringing (sudden noise).
- Not being able to understand the other person because of surrounding noises (on one end or the other) or because the caller doesn't speak clearly.
- Not knowing when to respond, because you can't see the other person's body language. For autistic people it can also be difficult to interpret the intonation of the other person's voice, which usually also contains information about his or her intentions.
- Not knowing how to start and end a conversation.
- When you are making the call: the fear of getting the wrong number or about having to ask for the person you are looking for (or getting them on the phone but not recognising their voice; people should say who they are when they answer the phone).
- Not knowing when someone will call you; you usually can't plan a phone call. And when you are making the call: fear about calling the person at and importune moment.
- Not remembering the information given to you because it was spoken and not written down or forgetting to ask all the questions you had.
What are common symptoms or reactions for people with phone phobia?
- Panic or anxiety attack.
- Accelerated heartbeat, shortness of breath, sweating, trembling, shaking.
- Dry mouth, nausea.
- Avoidance behaviour: not answering the phone, not ordering anything on the phone, send a message in stead of calling or looking for an e-mail address in stead of a phone number.
- Thinking everything over in your head after the call, worrying you might have said something wrong.
So when I got the e-mail, I waited with my reply until late in the evening so this person wouldn't call me that same day. But then of course, I was anxious all next day, switching off my phone when I was at work (even though I said not to call those hours). And he didn't call. Another sleepless night. Next day, he calls when I am in the kitchen and I don't hear my phone. I see the missed call about 15 minutes later, but of course I don't call back. Two hours later I send a message, asking if he can call back after 6 p.m., so I can be prepared. 6 p.m. goes by, 7 p.m. too, and just when I'm starting to relax a bit, opening my window, helping my roommate with a computer thing: Boom. My phone rings. I gather all my courage and answer the phone.
The reason this phone call made me extremely anxious is that I don't know this person very well, and he is quite assertive, and that makes me scared of not knowing what to say or agreeing to something I don't agree with. But I definitely have phone phobia, and not just phone apprehension. When I talk with my mother on the phone, we always agree to call by message first. I think my mother is the only person I'm not really afraid to call, maybe because she has phone apprehension herself and both of us are not really comfortable calling. My father doesn't have this problem, so when he calls I often don't take the phone, because I'm not prepared. I usually send him an e-mail later saying I wasn't home but I saw he called, and proposing another time to call or just writing everything I have to tell. I also never call him back, because 'what if his girlfriend picks up?'. Then I would have to talk to her and I don't feel comfortable to do so.
My boyfriend and me had a long distance relationship for the first year. We talked on the phone every evening. But we would always send messages first. In the beginning it was horrible for me. I didn't know what to say. Some days I would just be in silence the whole time. I didn't know how to say goodbye. But I learned a lot that year. Now we are closer but he still calls me every evening we are not together. I've learned how to end the conversation, and how to keep it going. But when he calls at a different moment of the day I have to take a few breaths before answering.
"The only way to get rid of phone phobia is exposure." Sounds simple. I thought I worked on it last year, when I was trying to find a flat and had to call a lot of housing agencies. But when you don't keep working on it, it just comes back. If I really do have to make a call, I will prepare everything I have to say and ask and write it down. Often even writing down the begin and end formula. And I will make sure that I'm in my room, windows closed, no distractions, and taking one of my homeopathic (valerian) pills (usually one a while before making the call, and one after). Preparing for a phone call can take hours or days.
I am glad I don't have anymore calls planned in the near future, so I can relax a bit over the next days. I won't leave you my number, but please tell me about your phone problems in the comments.