As I've said before, I have no problem with self-diagnosing autism as long as it is well researched, probably because I myself am self-diagnosed. Now, when mentioning to someone that I am self-diagnosed I always feel the need to defend my statement by adding that I worked with a psychologist last year around anxiety problems and even though she wasn't qualified to make an official diagnosis, she did acknowledge that she agreed with me.
But this is exactly what is wrong with the world! Why do I even have to defend myself?
Well, I should say that maybe that's because I don't seem autistic. I don't act autistic. At least not in front of people. Last week I had house guests and I had no problem acknowledging to them that I am intellectually gifted (also not officially diagnosed, only acknowledged by certain professionals) when they saw a book on giftedness on my shelves. But when they saw the books about autism they assumed that it had something to do with my teaching.
When people ask me what autism is I usually start by explaining that intelligence is not a part of autism, even though the term is still being associated with low I.Q.. Then I tell them that there are three main problems in autism: communication and social behaviour, sensory issues, and need of routine, repetition and rules.
And this is usually where I have to start defending myself again. I tell them that even though I may seem to make conversation easily my social behaviour is autistic: I don't take initiative to start a conversation, I monopolise the conversation and compare every information the other person gives me to something I can relate to, I don't make eye contact, I talk too loud when I'm excited, I don't ask questions unless I remind myself to do so, and most of all, I don't know intuitive conversation. The problem is, because of my privileged brain I think everything through so fast that people fail to notice that I have a problem.
In both the communicative and the sensory field I've become a great actress. I rarely stim in front of other people and when I do I try to do it without anyone noticing. I take the sensory overload while I'm in public and then deal with the migraines, meltdowns and complete inability to function when I'm at home. If I'm in a very crowded situation I shut down, but people often don't notice because I always act kind of quiet in groups.
If someone notices my need for routines and rules they call it "a little OCD". But, in the first place you can be just a little OCD, and secondly, the need of routine can be a real problem in autism, it is not just a variation on the norm. Even if I might seem to be okay with someone changing plans last minute it can make me unable to do something else, because that wasn't planned. But of course, other people don't see that. The don't know I hate to borrow my second ballpoint to them because what will I do if the first one breaks.
People don't see my autism. They see a young woman who's a bit shy. She might act a bit weird, but that's probably because she from another country. And hasn't everyone got some strange habits?
I hate having to defend myself because autism is not a visible condition. I should get an Oscar for my 24/7 acting ability. For not starting to cry when someone accidentally brushes their hair against my hand on the bus, for saying 'go ahead' when people ask to borrow my stuff even though I'm tearing up inside, for saying it's okay people stay over and then having horrible anxiety and needing medication to sleep and cleaning the toilet every time you use it because some strange person used it.
I may not 'look' autistic to you, but I am. And if I have to explain you why than you are just ignorant (and to think you don't even 'look' it).
But this is exactly what is wrong with the world! Why do I even have to defend myself?
Well, I should say that maybe that's because I don't seem autistic. I don't act autistic. At least not in front of people. Last week I had house guests and I had no problem acknowledging to them that I am intellectually gifted (also not officially diagnosed, only acknowledged by certain professionals) when they saw a book on giftedness on my shelves. But when they saw the books about autism they assumed that it had something to do with my teaching.
When people ask me what autism is I usually start by explaining that intelligence is not a part of autism, even though the term is still being associated with low I.Q.. Then I tell them that there are three main problems in autism: communication and social behaviour, sensory issues, and need of routine, repetition and rules.
And this is usually where I have to start defending myself again. I tell them that even though I may seem to make conversation easily my social behaviour is autistic: I don't take initiative to start a conversation, I monopolise the conversation and compare every information the other person gives me to something I can relate to, I don't make eye contact, I talk too loud when I'm excited, I don't ask questions unless I remind myself to do so, and most of all, I don't know intuitive conversation. The problem is, because of my privileged brain I think everything through so fast that people fail to notice that I have a problem.
In both the communicative and the sensory field I've become a great actress. I rarely stim in front of other people and when I do I try to do it without anyone noticing. I take the sensory overload while I'm in public and then deal with the migraines, meltdowns and complete inability to function when I'm at home. If I'm in a very crowded situation I shut down, but people often don't notice because I always act kind of quiet in groups.
If someone notices my need for routines and rules they call it "a little OCD". But, in the first place you can be just a little OCD, and secondly, the need of routine can be a real problem in autism, it is not just a variation on the norm. Even if I might seem to be okay with someone changing plans last minute it can make me unable to do something else, because that wasn't planned. But of course, other people don't see that. The don't know I hate to borrow my second ballpoint to them because what will I do if the first one breaks.
People don't see my autism. They see a young woman who's a bit shy. She might act a bit weird, but that's probably because she from another country. And hasn't everyone got some strange habits?
I hate having to defend myself because autism is not a visible condition. I should get an Oscar for my 24/7 acting ability. For not starting to cry when someone accidentally brushes their hair against my hand on the bus, for saying 'go ahead' when people ask to borrow my stuff even though I'm tearing up inside, for saying it's okay people stay over and then having horrible anxiety and needing medication to sleep and cleaning the toilet every time you use it because some strange person used it.
I may not 'look' autistic to you, but I am. And if I have to explain you why than you are just ignorant (and to think you don't even 'look' it).